Dealing with emotions during a feedback conversation & welcoming resistance! (Part 2)

Feedback is an accelerator for development within organizations. But what we must not forget is that we are still working with people. Dealing effectively with emotions during a feedback conversation requires a certain level of emotional intelligence and regulation — both when giving and receiving feedback. Can you listen with empathy? Does your feedback start from the intention to grow together?

In part 2 of this blog series, we focus on the importance of emotional intelligence during feedback conversations. In this blog, you will discover:

• How to deal with emotions during a feedback conversation
• Giving feedback with empathy
• Receiving feedback & regulating emotions
• Taking a pause
• Welcoming resistance to feedback instead of breaking through it
• The Connect & Lead feedback method

Read more about the importance of an open feedback culture in part 1 of this series.

How to deal with emotions during a feedback conversation?

It is natural for emotions to arise during a feedback conversation. When we receive feedback, an automatic response occurs. You want answers to the following questions:

• Truth: Is it accurate or good advice?
• Relationship: What is my relationship with the person giving the feedback?
• Identity: What am I telling myself about who I am?

Based on these factors, we will either take the feedback to heart or reject it. Sometimes this even triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response. To prevent this, we share a few tips you can use before and during a feedback conversation.

Giving feedback with empathy

When giving feedback, it is important to proactively take your conversation partner’s emotions into account. You don’t want to overwhelm them. Shift the feedback conversation from a monologue to a dialogue, and invite your conversation partner to actively participate.

Welcome emotions and try to better understand the other person:

• Calibrating – Observe and name micro-communication such as non-verbal signals in a spontaneous way, without adding your own interpretation.
• Mirroring – Share your observations in a neutral manner.
• Questioning – Invite your conversation partner to share what they think and feel about the situation or feedback. Look for the underlying positive intention.

A successful feedback conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. The goal is not to criticize someone. You want to gain as much insight as possible into the other person’s underlying thoughts and emotions so that you can better support their development.

Receiving feedback & regulating emotions

Receiving feedback is also essential in an open feedback culture. It is the best way to work on yourself and, in doing so, improve team dynamics and results. Yet for many people, internalizing feedback remains a challenge. Emotions can take over, causing us to miss opportunities for growth.

Regulating your emotions already starts with preparing for the feedback conversation:

• Prepare yourself for the feedback conversation
• Focus on empowering thoughts (tip: look for examples of previous successes)
• Be aware of your perception and interpretation

During the conversation itself, the following tips can help you manage your emotions:

• Practice controlled breathing
• Stay aware of your perception and interpretation
• Apply LSD (Listen, Summarize, Deepen)
• Be open and share the impact of the feedback on you

For example:
“Wow, that hits hard. I appreciate your feedback, but I need some time to process this.”

Taking a pause

Finally, you can deliver a double message. In this approach, you receive the feedback and only follow up at a later moment. This gives you the space to let emotions settle and to deal with the feedback objectively.

As with all communication, it is important to approach this in an authentic way. Name what you are thinking and feeling in the moment, without slipping into drama. Sometimes it is better to take a few deep breaths, create some distance, and then step back into the dialogue.

“The conversation between managers became overheated for a moment. Before harsh words could be spoken, one manager stood up and said, ‘I’m going to take a walk before I come back to respond to this.’ Although the rest of the team initially looked surprised, it soon became clear that continuing in that moment would only lead to more frustration or regret. When the manager returned, everyone had calmed down. The manager was even applauded for their decision and self-control!”

Welcoming resistance to feedback instead of breaking through it

In a feedback conversation, we consciously choose to step into tension. It is therefore normal for resistance to arise as an automatic response. This resistance often stems from fear. People want to avoid conflict, fear failure, or worry about losing face.

Welcome resistance as an opportunity to explore. It often points to underlying needs such as the desire for success, recognition and appreciation, or a sense of belonging. People sometimes believe that letting go of one thing means losing everything associated with it. You can help shift an either–or mindset to a both–and mindset.

• What is there to lose?
• What do you want to preserve?
• Why do you believe this is an either–or situation?
• How can you find a solution here?

As a feedback giver, it is important not to blame the other person. Try to stay on the same level by simply sharing your observations in a neutral way. This approach is sometimes referred to as the Connect & Lead technique.

Connect & Lead feedback method

Connect

When giving feedback, it is tempting to focus mainly on sharing your own interpretation. But instead of trying to convince, it is better to aim for understanding. Meet your coachee or conversation partner where they are in their thinking.

• If I understand correctly…
• I can imagine that…
• I can empathize with…

Avoid the word “but” and start a new sentence instead.

Lead

Next, share your own perspective. What do you see differently, and why? What underlying thoughts or experiences shape this view?

• I’ve experienced something similar before…
• I believe that…
• What I see differently is…

Finally, check whether your perspective aligns with that of your conversation partner. Did you understand them correctly? Are you on the same wavelength? You do not want to push the coachee in a certain direction. As a coach, it is essential to be comfortable with the unknown — after all, all the answers lie with your conversation partner.

Facilitate an open feedback culture as an accelerator for growth. Discover the solution that works best for you.